If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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