I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My cat gives me a boner
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
