Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
