i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
false alarm, still single
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
