my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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