My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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