I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
