mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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