So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
