Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
