i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
