My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
