Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
