The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
