I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
