Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
