even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
