Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
