Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky