I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...