You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
