My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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