I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
