Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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