I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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