I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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