We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm too high and old for this...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
