dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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