remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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