Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
