So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize