there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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