Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Come share oat with me in your robe
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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