You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
