I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
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i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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