apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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