i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I supernannyed him into submission
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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