My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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