I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
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Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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