he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
