I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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