morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
