The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I need moral support for this bender
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
