my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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