why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
