we have pet lesbian snakes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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