Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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