Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
