yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
