why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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