I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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