you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
