I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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